Tuesday 30 June 2009
{ 03:16:00 }
for some inexplicable reason, when your voice rings through my body, my deepest
emotion engorges and vacillates with the overwhelming essence of loneliness.
and such a urge amounts from wishing to be where you are,
because nothing else seems to matter, seems to compliment and waver with
the emotion i never thought i could have known,
that only you have manged to evoke.
and this seems to be the only explanation i can offer up
as to why i quiver and shake in my solitude, and in the presence of
the very thought of you.. you introduced yourself by your name,
i would never want to enjoy anything more about you, than what you offer up
to me personally, simply because thats how my ideals manifest.
i tried to flatter something more, and not only was i put out of character,
but to this day, i think you took it the wrong way.
which is why, again, i can never say what i'd like to say,
and this time, i dont think so much that this 'fate' will work in my favor.
you may be the first thing in years that ive wanted but couldnt have.
sometimes my spine is too weak to hold my bashful and timid head upon my shoulders,
just to say the things i feel, for fear of something completely unknown.
you do to me without even a single ounce of effort what hundreds have tried,
and failed before they could even have a chance to start.
i will mourn the day i met you, the day you told me your name.
and i will mourn the day i met you,
when you showed me something im sure you didnt mean to.
i will mourn that day, because i know what i never would have even dreamed
of knowing, and now when i hear your voice, you knock down my walls
so elegantly built, and understanding engulfs my knowledge that there is something
better than solitude, and with that comes the regret.
ignorance has always been my bliss, and i had always understood that i couldnt
desire something i didnt know or understand, and now i know, and now my body aches.
and solitude has always been my company.
keeping me quiet and sane.
solitude has always fortified my mind, and now, youve left it susceptible.
and now, all i can say is that its such a sad thing that
im such an awkward being for a match to my ideas and thoughts i could never find,
but so docile am i that i could never admit to it,
never approach you and everything you think,
and everything that i am that i see in you.. ive missed you, 22062009.
Friday 26 June 2009
{ 15:47:00 }
we were never met to be better, we were never meant to be at all.
nothing is meant for anything, and to think,
that by some paradox of our emotion we were above natural laws
and actually in the realm of fate.
i dont know whats love is, i dont know how its supposed to be,
but my guess is that its a variation of interpretation.
i told you not to make me your everything,
and that no one should ever mean that much to a person.
i was right, ive always known i was right,
and it breaks my heart when you dont listen. i guess this all
because you dont listen, but im not really one to point the finger.
i could do better; i could do better.
im so disgusted with all that ive turned out to be,
i cant even believe my sobriety has seen me through all of this.
or that i decided this without any extra essence of inebriation at all,
but only my faux pas, that i should decide to partake
in such a thing i didnt hold any belief to.
youre the greatest thing a person could hope for.
the greatest thing any girl could ever ask for. only im not any girl.
im not like most girls at all, and what made me seem so by any means is
what effect all this had on me.
im not meant to be hoarded or held or belonging to anyone but myself.
insurgent by fault, and i dont take kindly to anyone's expectations or obligations.
and so maybe its my fault, but my fingers arent pointing.
only fools can love and lose. and we may be fools. we may be young.
we may love, or think we love, but im hoping we never lose.
i would never like to say ive lost such a wonderful thing.
i may let you go, i may push you away, but i would be so ashamed to lose some one
so beautiful in every little way. i hope i never have to leave you at all.
i never wanted to be a teenage tragedy.
i never wanted to be a cliche story. i never wanted to.
and all i can say is from now on, im going to listen to my mind, again.
i gave my emotion a chance, and nothing good seems to have come of it.
Sunday 7 June 2009
{ 08:08:00 }
the breakup was probably the best way to end everything..
all these while, i suppose, i just mean nothing.
maybe im just the pain that comes along with that tight slap
the pain that wont last for long but the memory of it will last a lifetime
guess, i was right. i am just a punching bag, vent all anger on me
i wont feel the pain cos im meant to be a puppet..
a simple question, led to a tiff before getting a bruised and torn lip..
gotta face the school with these scars again.
once was never sufficient though i said that you could hit me..
i had to let you do that, to make me realise that i wasnt worth your time
all the troubles ive caused the past almost 2 years..
i was a deficit to your wonderful life
was never good, wealthy, beautiful or perfect enough to be with you
i cant even cook the maggi the way you love it..
the simplest thing like that, i cant fulfill.. what about a lifetime?
maybe i should be like cik rose or nek haji, be alone and not get hitched..
am destined to be that way, i cant satisfy anyone.
yesterday night was the last night that i could ever held you so close
that was prolly the only present i got while watching haunting in connecticut
after that, its all but memories of what we've had..
i dont have anything to hold on to, no more pictures of the two of us..
no more pictures of all the laughter we've had..
all gone, emptied out just within a faulty SanDisk thumbdrive..
just maybe after your whole ordeal, we might reconcile..
just perhaps. or maybe we would be total strangers, i wont know..
i shouldnt wait on you any longer, you keep doing things to make me hate you
so i must leave, and obey this last request.. thank you.
thank you for teaching me so much within this past years..
thanks for showing me what love and closeness meant..
thank you for all the gifts you kept showering though i said no..
thanks for sending, fetching and accompanying me to many places..
thank you for meeting me though you're tired from work..
if im ever gonna continue, i dont think i have enough space to mention
all the Thank You's that you deserve from me..
just this time, since im gone, i want your family to be more important to you
the next time you were to find your soulmate,
please put her after your family, maybe that way it wont end up like this
i gotta respect your decision, i know it'll be hard..
but ive got no choice, no more..
whatever future lies ahead of you..
just remember, i'll support your every wise decision
whether we are still friends or just total strangers, i have just a request
to never forget me, us and the times we've had..
thats most probably the least i could ask for
thank you for all that you've sacrificed.. god bless~*
Friday 5 June 2009
{ 20:05:00 }
Worst Birthday Ever
it was definitely memorable, thank you~*
there's this other pair of adidas that ive sworn about wearing to school
oh well, ive completed my final book for these past two weeks (:
the rest of the books are mainly for boosting my EQ and IQ..
this is the EGONOMICS book that ive mentioned in my past post..
well, gotta get back to lessons now.. hirman is like in front of me